Feeling very discouraged. Lots of anxiety again lately. I thought I was doing so well, too.
My GRE exam is right around the corner. I’ve been trying to study a lot lately but some things are getting in the way at times. I’m struggling financially right now; I’m not broke and I’m still in a much luckier place compared to most, but I know at this point I am scraping for the things I want/need, with no steady income. I guess what’s most burdening about that is the fact that I became job-less a bit unexpectedly, a little sooner than anticipated. So I just feel a little set back, and it’s not exactly the best time either, as I just paid rent and some other things, and still have more to owe. Hopefully when the time comes around to hunt for a new job, I find one soon. It’s just hard to have that hope when the first job hunt didn’t go very well at all, yet your friends around you keep telling you how talented and smart you are and how far you’ll go. I still don’t think this is true and I think my previous job is a good reflection of my misfortune.
I also think that I have retreated back to that mood where I distance and isolate myself from others and then regret it both during and afterwards. I can be pretty dumb sometimes… either way, this isn’t helping, but I can’t exactly be a social butterfly until I’ve completed the exam. I don’t want any regrets about having gone out or taken one too many breaks (I will still regret this because I already had too much downtime today. My head has been hurting.)…especially outings outside the house, because I can’t really be spending money right now. I even feel bad about leaving the house to study at a boba place because y’all know those yummy drinks add up… :(
Looks like I’m stuck here in the meantime til next next Monday night. Sucks ‘cause lately, the apartment has been Bug Central. And even thereafter the test, I’m still gonna be stuck, for who knows how long. It was a carefree summer, but now I’m dreading everything that’s to come.
i should be in bed by now so i don’t know why this is happening. it’s so easy to get lost in thought at 3am. i’m supposed to tell myself to snap out of it because that will prevent me from submerging deeper into the ‘trance’ of gloom and sadness and frustration and anger and confusion and bitterness and everything in the world that i feel right now.
you know what? despite all those feelings, there is one feeling that ironically stands out from all the others. that feeling is emptiness. i am so fucking empty inside right now and as a result i am feeling sad and frustrated and bitter and confused and all other things.
it seems as if disasters continue to fall upon me day after day after day after day and it never ends ever and it continues cyclically in a positive feedback loop that sees no end, no forgiveness, no pardon. and what do i feel out of it… nothing but misery. nothing but the urge to continue to press off these feelings when in reality it is almost impossible at the moment. i just have to let myself be. there is a time and place to wallow and marinate in my own depression but that time and place is not ‘anytime’ and ‘anywhere’. at some point i have to bring it under control and even that is becoming the most difficult thing even though it is supposed to help me. the fact that i am so so so accustomed to being miserable and know that so much wrong exists in the world and especially in my life has become such a routine activity for my feelings and has sent me but nowhere into the most downward spiral there ever can be
and now for some reason i guess i’m just trying to hard because now it’s three thirty and there’s no way i’m going to be able to sleep like this.
It’s so nice to be productive during the summer.
I spent this weekend unwinding (literally and figuratively, lololol) and being able to see Jeff, Brent, Rohan, and AJ was awesome. But now I have to get back on the productivity grind and work on KDPhi stuff and whatnot. I’ve realized now is such a good time to think about the school year ahead.
Our Hollywood event fundraiser is in preparation and almost ready to go underway with the publicity. I’m nervous and stoked at the same time. I just started promoting for Alternate Dimensions (almost thought I wasn’t gonna be cut out for it, but everything’s been good so far!) and I’ve only promoted one event since I joined. And now suddenly I’ve been given the reins to organize an event myself, and I’m a little nervous. Everything looks like it’s gonna go well though, with the event being the day before Hard Summer! And of course I’ve been planning away for BCA month even though it’s in October, and looking for new service opportunities so I can help to polish up that pillar for our chapter.
Things are looking up. Yay.
I’m obsessed with majestic, national parks. I guess it’s nice that my mom is pretty into this stuff. We went to quite a few places a handful of years ago (Yosemite, Yellowstone, Arches, Grand Canyon, Glacier Bay and probably a few more I don’t remember), but as an adolescent/teenager my attention span and my appreciation for these natural phenomenons was not a whole lot. But now, I find myself randomly remembering a trip we took one summer, or whatever, and I realize I want to go back. I want to take more of it in and absorb it a little more (physically too - some hiking would be nice) while I’m still feeling agile and adventurous. Not to mention I have an extreeeeme love for glaciers, the Grand Canyon, and nearly all waterfalls. Arches and domes and eroded valleys of rocks are also awesome.
I am not a geologist at all but it is so damn fascinating to learn how this stuff is formed and how it’s thousands or millions of years worth of history and there you are, observing it or even touching it your bare hands…I sound ridiculous I know. I can be super bourgeois and a total princess but in truth, I love this stuff because they are some of the most beautiful things on earth and they literally take my breath away.
I’ve been such a grandma chillin’ at home lately. The only times I usually go out now is to work or to go shopping, unfortunately. I think I’ve kind of forgotten all the cool stuff that’s out there, especially all this amazing natural stuff (even if it they are a few states away). I’ve really become immersed in my own bubble of an apartment, as well as the nerve-wracking, panicky bubble that is my head and imagination, and it’s not faring well for me. I’m overdue for a visit to these places; I really do need a lot of tranquility and a peace of mind.
I’m really tired and I don’t know why I’m talking about this on Tumblr or why I’ve just been looking at pictures of all the parks I want to revisit…o well
Friday: Thomas Gold, Dillon Francis, Metric, (5 minutes of) Pete Tong, Passion Pit, Dog Blood, TNGHT, Infected Mushroom, Wolfgang Gartner, Modestep, Bassnectar
Saturday: Baauer, 2 Chainz, Kill The Noise, Bingo Players, Major Lazer, Grizzly Bear, Fedde Le Grand, The Postal Service, The XX, Knife Party
Sunday: Adrian Lux, Mord Fustang, Danny Avila, The Lumineers, Social Distortion, (5 minutes of) Vampire Weekend, Pretty Lights, Excision, Red Hot Chili Peppers
Despite the scorching heat, the dirt and grime, the endless allergies while simultaneously battling a week-long cold (and still continuing to do so), or the disgusting port-a-potties, it was worth every penny out of my wallet and every second out of my time. For three days, I simply forgot about all my worries and problems and just felt amazingly carefree (until I had to cram for that midterm on the car ride back which I still failed anyway). I’ve heard that each year, Coachella is a different experience. I’ve only been to two so far, but both have definitely been unique in their own ways. This year I was more aware of my surroundings and what I was heading into, seeing that I’ve already gone before. I did my best to make the most out of my time this year and tried to be more diverse in what I saw. I had a lot of conflicts, which of course is no surprise, so I’m still a little bummed that I didn’t see Vampire Weekend in its entirety, or Phoenix or Two Door Cinema Club… But nonetheless I had a blast and I know that’s all that matters. Shoutout to everyone I met this year, shoutout to my new Coachella family (thank you all for being awesome, high AF companions), and shoutout to my neighbors on N 128th.
Fuck reality, I wish I could go back.
I always find myself scared and feeling vulnerable because I am afraid that it will happen again and I will find myself hitting rock bottom for the nth time. I am so pessimistic and doubtful even when it comes to shit in everyday life because I always expect something bad to happen. I know nothing is perfect but why can’t something..or someone..in my life be good for just once? Why am I always the one subject to getting hurt? I want you to prove to me that I am not wasting my time because I a little more apprehensive with every passing day.
At first, I went to college because it was something my parents just expected of me. Coming from a rather traditional Asian household, it’s basically expected that you earn a degree, go onto professional school or something of the like, and get a good-paying job so you can support yourself for the rest of your life.
I got waitlisted at UCSB at first. I never even gave my school a second thought until they finally accepted me a few weeks after. I had my sights set on UCI, but never really ‘fell in love’ with that school. An interesting anecdote: the day UCSB actually accepted me was May 1st, 2010. I also found out on that same day that I had a won a $1000 scholarship from my city (I know it’s not much, but a scholarship is a scholarship, right?) So on a whim of happiness, I SIR’ed to UCSB and disregarded everything from UCI thereafter.
I didn’t even visit UCSB until Orientation…but all I can say is I’m really really glad I chose that school. I don’t know what I’m striving for 100% yet…my plans are always changing. I wanted to get involved in politics for the longest time but my interests have expanded since then (thanks to learning so many new things while in college).
Honestly, I can’t exactly pinpoint what I’m ‘striving’ for. I’m just hoping to be successful somewhere down the line while being happy with what I do. College taught me a lot about myself, not just academically, but I’ve really learned to be more independent and responsible and organized, etc. I think in the long run I’m living for myself, but I couldn’t have done it without some of the people who exist in my life. I went to college because it was ‘expected’ of me by others - peers, family, etc - but now it’s made my inner self better.
Sorrry I rambled, but hopefully that kinda answers the question.
How do you define fate? It’s more than just mere coincidence, right? Is it the maybe the fact that, out of all things or people in the world, that person chose to interact with you? And somehow, things just so kindly and willingly fall together?
No longer does a day go by where we don’t talk. Tonight, I realized how much I enjoy talking to you.
Thinking of you makes me a little bit happier. I hope one day I’ll come to trust you even more.
I miss this kind of stuff. I was told it was about the physicality of all, that there was no deeper meaning behind anything, and to just let it go. I think that was partially true (in a pretty great sense), but I miss emotional attachment too. Everyone seems to think I’m chill or I don’t give fuck, which is often true, but in reality, I give a lot of fucks. I have a lot of emotions and it’s habitual of me to keep them pent up. I don’t need to bother everyone around me with them. But sometimes I want that one person in my life that I can just go to, who will understand me. And as of now, I’ve never felt more lonely.
"Maybe I’m too nice. But also, maybe this will be something I won’t regret."
October 15th, 2012
Nope, I guess I’m just too nice.
I am done with the quarter. Although it feels good, it still doesn’t make me that much happier yet.
I guess things take time.
The weather isn’t helping, either.
I wish I had more things in my life to look forward to. I don’t. I don’t want to go home, because three weeks is a long time to spend under the disapproving and nagging umbrella of my parents. They still treat me like a child. My dad thinks I am incapable of making my own decisions and watching out for my own safety.
I know I need to keep myself busy and distracted, but it doesn’t come easy at all when your parents act just like that. They would never understand.
When I was a bit younger, I was the kind of person who would bottle their emotions. I used to have anxiety disorder (which although I’ve never been professionally diagnosed, I know I went through it based on how I feel about life in general now, compared to before). I remember having panic attacks, being scared and alone. I’d cry, shiver, convulse, and hyperventilate. I was at a very low point in my life.
After coming to UCSB, a lot of that changed. But I was still lonely in freshman year and I often gave off terrible and degrading impressions of myself to people who barely even knew me. I made some poor decisions. And although that still remained a pretty low point in life, I was at least living on my own. That was what I most needed.
Over time, I’ve craved independence…not just because I wanted to get away from my home and my parents, but because that’s the kind of person I am, and an independent life is the life I was meant to live.
But when it comes to friends, company, and relationships, I am the complete opposite. I long to have people who I can be extremely comfortable around. I like physical comfort and to an extent, attention (on a personal basis. I don’t ever desire to feed off of rumors or being notorious for something.).
I don’t want to leave. And I want to be happy right now.
But soon I’m going to have to leave, and I probably still won’t be happy yet.
I’m having a hard time coping.
feels different this time, i guess because i understand more and i know it really is for the better. it was going to happen sooner or later anyway but i have a hard time coping with the fact that some things just arent meant to be. i don’t know why i have such difficulty accepting that perspective when it comes to relationships yet i can easily take on that point of view when it comes to other things in life…regardless, the longer i would have stayed in this relationship all wound up, i only would have become more frustrated and angry and tired of the bullshit.
why cant my heart think the same thing as my mind?
i finally can see all the logic in this. the first time around i was still blinded by my feelings and that little thread of hope that told me i juuust might be the one to be able to change him. but it didnt happen. empty promises, and no effort. but despite being able to realize the logic, and knowing how much better i can really do, my heart cant seem to let it go. i’m ready to get over it and move on but a lot of my feelings for him still remain and i’m having trouble letting them go. i wish they could just go away with a click of a button or something.
i cant wait for the day that im finally completely over you. but i know im going to be devastated if you move on and you get to be happy first.
idk. i am just so, so upset. not over you, necessarily, but upset over the events that have happened.