Friday: Thomas Gold, Dillon Francis, Metric, (5 minutes of) Pete Tong, Passion Pit, Dog Blood, TNGHT, Infected Mushroom, Wolfgang Gartner, Modestep, Bassnectar

Saturday: Baauer, 2 Chainz, Kill The Noise, Bingo Players, Major Lazer, Grizzly Bear, Fedde Le Grand, The Postal Service, The XX, Knife Party

Sunday: Adrian Lux, Mord Fustang, Danny Avila, The Lumineers, Social Distortion, (5 minutes of) Vampire Weekend, Pretty Lights, Excision, Red Hot Chili Peppers 

Despite the scorching heat, the dirt and grime, the endless allergies while simultaneously battling a week-long cold (and still continuing to do so), or the disgusting port-a-potties, it was worth every penny out of my wallet and every second out of my time. For three days, I simply forgot about all my worries and problems and just felt amazingly carefree (until I had to cram for that midterm on the car ride back which I still failed anyway). I’ve heard that each year, Coachella is a different experience. I’ve only been to two so far, but both have definitely been unique in their own ways. This year I was more aware of my surroundings and what I was heading into, seeing that I’ve already gone before. I did my best to make the most out of my time this year and tried to be more diverse in what I saw. I had a lot of conflicts, which of course is no surprise, so I’m still a little bummed that I didn’t see Vampire Weekend in its entirety, or Phoenix or Two Door Cinema Club… But nonetheless I had a blast and I know that’s all that matters. Shoutout to everyone I met this year, shoutout to my new Coachella family (thank you all for being awesome, high AF companions), and shoutout to my neighbors on N 128th.

Fuck reality, I wish I could go back. 

I always find myself scared and feeling vulnerable because I am afraid that it will happen again and I will find myself hitting rock bottom for the nth time. I am so pessimistic and doubtful even when it comes to shit in everyday life because I always expect something bad to happen. I know nothing is perfect but why can’t something..or someone..in my life be good for just once? Why am I always the one subject to getting hurt? I want you to prove to me that I am not wasting my time because I a little more apprehensive with every passing day. 

How do you define fate? It’s more than just mere coincidence, right? Is it the maybe the fact that, out of all things or people in the world, that person chose to interact with you? And somehow, things just so kindly and willingly fall together? 

No longer does a day go by where we don’t talk. Tonight, I realized how much I enjoy talking to you.

Thinking of you makes me a little bit happier. I hope one day I’ll come to trust you even more.

“Maybe I’m too nice. But also, maybe this will be something I won’t regret.” 

October 15th, 2012

Nope, I guess I’m just too nice. 

(Source: zxcvbnmloldiaz, via seeeeena)

I am done with the quarter. Although it feels good, it still doesn’t make me that much happier yet. 

I guess things take time. 

The weather isn’t helping, either. 

I wish I had more things in my life to look forward to. I don’t. I don’t want to go home, because three weeks is a long time to spend under the disapproving and nagging umbrella of my parents. They still treat me like a child. My dad thinks I am incapable of making my own decisions and watching out for my own safety. 

I know I need to keep myself busy and distracted, but it doesn’t come easy at all when your parents act just like that. They would never understand. 

When I was a bit younger, I was the kind of person who would bottle their emotions. I used to have anxiety disorder (which although I’ve never been professionally diagnosed, I know I went through it based on how I feel about life in general now, compared to before). I remember having panic attacks, being scared and alone. I’d cry, shiver, convulse, and hyperventilate. I was at a very low point in my life. 

After coming to UCSB, a lot of that changed. But I was still lonely in freshman year and I often gave off terrible and degrading impressions of myself to people who barely even knew me. I made some poor decisions. And although that still remained a pretty low point in life, I was at least living on my own. That was what I most needed. 

Over time, I’ve craved independence…not just because I wanted to get away from my home and my parents, but because that’s the kind of person I am, and an independent life is the life I was meant to live. 

But when it comes to friends, company, and relationships, I am the complete opposite. I long to have people who I can be extremely comfortable around. I like physical comfort and to an extent, attention (on a personal basis. I don’t ever desire to feed off of rumors or being notorious for something.). 

I don’t want to leave. And I want to be happy right now. 

But soon I’m going to have to leave, and I probably still won’t be happy yet. 

I’m having a hard time coping. 

feels different this time, i guess because i understand more and i know it really is for the better. it was going to happen sooner or later anyway but i have a hard time coping with the fact that some things just arent meant to be. i don’t know why i have such difficulty accepting that perspective when it comes to relationships yet i can easily take on that point of view when it comes to other things in life…regardless, the longer i would have stayed in this relationship all wound up, i only would have become more frustrated and angry and tired of the bullshit.

why cant my heart think the same thing as my mind? 
i finally can see all the logic in this. the first time around i was still blinded by my feelings and that little thread of hope that told me i juuust might be the one to be able to change him. but it didnt happen. empty promises, and no effort. but despite being able to realize the logic, and knowing how much better i can really do, my heart cant seem to let it go. i’m ready to get over it and move on but a lot of my feelings for him still remain and i’m having trouble letting them go. i wish they could just go away with a click of a button or something. 

i cant wait for the day that im finally completely over you. but i know im going to be devastated if you move on and you get to be happy first. 

idk. i am just so, so upset. not over you, necessarily, but upset over the events that have happened. 

I can’t believe the year is almost over already. I must say, I’ve had a damn good year. Things can only go up from here. My GPA has only been going up, I’ve been becoming more active and involved in aKDPhi, I landed my first steady part-time job, I decided to double major and minor this year under senior standing, and I’ve gone to so. fucking. many concerts and raves this year which makes me incredibly happy and grateful that I can afford, both time and money, to do so, and things are a lot better with my derp of a boyfriend. I am grateful for the friends who are willing to sit around and do nothing with me, and then do everything. I am grateful for the sisters who always look out for me and drag my drunk ass home super early at 10:30pm when the party has barely started. Lol. I am grateful for the leadership positions i have taken up in aKDPhi because I know they can only benefit me. I’m grateful for all the food I eat because damn I eat a lot of food. I am grateful for every penny i make because it goes to something I love. I am thankful for life. 

escape from wonderland,
and lazy days & nites with my boy

An undoubtedly epic Friday night at the Avalon.

For those wondering, their Greystone Manor show was 21 & up. It was 19 & up at the Avalon.

Good god it was packed. THANK THE LORD FOR ONLINE PRESALES…true fans buy presales. LOL jk…not really tho.

PR & Z are amazing together. Legit bromance…good songs, good mixing and transitioning, good lights, good vibes, errything. Well worth the $35 I paid, but poor pbro had to buy another ticket because his online order fucked up…. not fair :(

Zedd played songs from the Clarity album, which weren’t in the setlist/Youtube video that someone uploaded, of the whole show. So YAY

Pretty sure about 4 versions of Spectrum were played…not that I care. It’s an amazing song, everyone sings along, and it deserves all the love it can get. The final song was Language of course…then an encore with Hourglass and some random mixing.

The best part, for me, came after the set.

Lita, Vincent and I moved to the floor because we wanted to. Porter and Zedd were both up at the front behind the gates of the stage, and yes yes yes, I got to shake Porter’s hand (in fact, I waved at him and he knelt down to greet me ^___^)…i also harassed him quite a bit…. and shortly after, got to shake Zedd’s hand. Zedd was the sweetest and he took the time to ask me how I was doing, but obviously I was incapable of speaking. -_____-

I fell in love with these two that night. <3 
This weekend was bomb.

I think that really cliche quote, “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone”, holds true in this circumstance.

I was kind of expecting it.

I wanted you to explain yourself. Yes, i read your body language. No, it isn’t creepy. It helped me make up my mind.

Sometimes, insecurities make it hard for some people to bring out their genuine side.

Maybe I’m too nice. But also, maybe this will be something I won’t regret.

Let it unfold…

part two, 

i’m really having such a crummy evening. i think i’m pms-ing, because everything is bothering me. from the talks of tonight…huge downers…finally coming home, then checking messages, which again were disappointing. just realizing the little things that are undone and then getting more pissed about them…. i’m rambling, and this probably means nothing to you if you are reading this. but shit, tonight’s not my night.